Recently, all I have been thinking are the what if’s in my life……what if I didn’t come to Oahu, and stayed in the Big Island? What if I went to UH Hilo instead of HPU? What if I didn’t go to Korea? what if……these past few days, I have been reflecting on my past decisions in life….what if I never left Big Island, what if I just stayed and went to school in Hilo, would I turn out to be more successful and happy? would I turn out to be more of a grounded person always studying, and never having adventures? If I stayed, would I saved money and stress from my parents, and if I stayed, I would have stronger bonds and more memories to create with my friends and family.
All the what ifs…has flooded my minded for the past few days…that it is leading towards regretting my past choices…..I know that I am not suppose to think about regrets on my past actions. But, I really cant help it, because I have gone through so much to where all the important decisions in my life, I feel that I never really made the right decisions. I don’t know why I’m like this recently, I think its because I just feel overwhelmed and that no matter how much friends I may have here I Oahu, I still feel lonely…..like I don’t have anyone to talk to…..sure my roommate is here and she is the most amazing roommate ever and my best friend, but it just feels like they have their own lives and no room for me to talk to them. Yes, I feel a little selfish right now, but sometimes, I just want to have someone to listen to me and be there for me…..i guess I’m just asking too much with high expectations….I’m sure this will pass, I think its time to talk to my therapist again.